A-Z of some of my favourite things...

Cream coloured ponies and crisp apple strudel...

Or maybe not, but here's some of my favourite things. And I want to see yours!

A- Apple crumble and Amish fiction
B- blankets, books, and I suppose my sister Beth.
C- Cats! and cake
D-Documentaries! and Doctor Who.
E- Eeyore :)
F- films and tv shows- I know I watch far too much Tv.
G- Gardens- eventually I want to grow veggies and stuff.
H- Harry Potter and Hugs :)
I- Italian food!
J- jumpers- I can not get enough Jumpers in my wardrobe!
K-Knitting, something I taught myself after falling ill and dropping out of uni, before that all I could knit was a straight scarf.
L- Lemon- one of my favourite scents in the world!
N-Napping- almost essential now!
M-Migracool foredhead strips! These are just damn amazing!
O- Owls. One of my favourite creatures, especially the barn owl.
P- polka dots! I love anything with polka dots on!
Q- Quotations- I like to read quotations sometimes, especially from people in history.
R- Rain. I love the smell of the rain and watching it from inside! Reading :)
S- Singing, I am terrible at it, will not do it in public but around the house I'll belt out a song or two. Sometimes with actions!
T-A nice mug of tea!
U- Underwear- can't beat the feel of some comfy pants! UFO's, I find these so fascinating!
V- Visiting museums and stately homes- am a bit of a history geek.
W-Walking, one day I hope to be well enough to go and walk in the Lake District
X- xmas! I love christmas songs and christmas films and christmas decorations :D and X Files- I want to believe!
Y- Youtube! I love youtube, so many programmes and documentaries on there.
Z- Zoo, I love going to the zoo and seeing all the animals.

Knit one, Purl one, Drop one!

I've had a rather bad two weeks to be honest, and haven't managed to write anything for a while. I spent the last week worrying whether I was in a crash or if I had slipped backwards and was living with my new normal and I was rather scared that this might be true!

I was having problems with my heart, lots of rapid heart beats and pounding, complete with an odd feeling in my chest like a dragging sensation in my chest. This was really quite scary and unpleasant, and hopefully when I see the doctor (in 6 weeks wait for an appointment!) he'll be able to talk to me about that and maybe get some tests to check on it! I was also having huge problems with the stairs, and by the time I made it to the top, my heart would be going, my legs were shaky and I felt dizzy and lightheaded and needed to sit or lie down for a few minutes. This wasn't good as my bedroom is upstairs while the bathroom was down- and while during the day I was ok as I could just stay in the living room with my laptop and blanket, at night this wasn't great. I always have to pee in the night, like a lot and having to go up and down the stairs at night, when it's dark, I'm tired and sometimes not wearing my glasses and half asleep wasn't a pleasant sensation at all! I seem to be doing ok with the stairs now though thankfully, though if that happens again I might just give in and make a nest on the sofa in the living room for a while so I don't have to feel like that again! It was enough to make you feel a bit sicky- not something that a person with emetophobia needs in the middle of the night when they are trying to relax and fall asleep!

Apart from that I've not really done much these few days- I've been knitting a new sweater and have completed the body and working on the button bands and then I need to knit the sleeves and weave in the ends. I wanted to get all the finishing bits done before the sleeves because I hope that I might have enough yarn to make full length sleeves. The pattern is for 3/4 length sleeves but I'm not so keen on that and I can't remember if I bought extra yarn to make them full length or not! The sweater is the Pont Neuf Sweater pictured below. Link to my ravelry page is here.

I also finished the reading of my first module for my diploma in Forensic Psychology. This first module wasn't overly interesting, it was an introduction into the different research methods in psychology. I now have to do some activities for assessment and send them to my tutor. Luckily with this course I have no due dates for assessment so I can get this done as when I can without having to stress about it. As part of the course I have a year of tutor support but can pay for more if needs be, and the cost of that isn't so bad either. So I'm not going to stress about this at all, and hopefully this in the long-run will help me with my illnesses :)

How have you all been recently? Been doing anything creative?

Ax

Because sleeping is important when you are ill

With my conditions I sleep an awful lot... and I mean A LOT! If I don't set an alarm, I can sleep for a good 13-14 hours and still wake up tired. That's the bitch with these types of conditions, you can sleep and sleep and sleep and wake up feeling just as tired and feeling un-refreshed as I did when I went to bed in the first place. So to try and make my sleep as good as possible good pj's and bedding is important.

These are my new pj bottoms. I got them from Tesco's a week or two ago and this was my first wear. They are very comfortable! A light cotton trouser, with cuffed legs and covered in a really adorable wigwam pattern! I love pj bottoms with cuffs because they stay down your leg when you are asleep and tossing and turning in bed. When I wear my other pj bottoms, they ride up my leg and then I wake up feeling very uncomfortable and it can put too much pressure on my legs where the legs are bunched up. So legging-style pjs or cuffed bottoms are the best things in my mind to try and make my sleeping better. 

But even with all these things- comfortable pj's, light blankets and duvets to be able to chuck on and off if I get too hot or too cold, an open window so I get fresh air to try and stop headaches and stuffy noses- I still wake up exhausted most mornings. Some mornings I get surprised and wake up feeling reasonably ok, it hits two or three hours later, just when you've planned all the things you are going to do in the day where you are feeling fine and free. 

And so I end up napping in the day, adding more hours of sleep to the diary and more hours of sleep that is no refreshing at all. I think this is one of the more annoying and frustrating issues that I have to deal with day-on-day and something that I am sill learning to deal with.

Trip to Sandringham

Yesterday I had a lovely afternoon trip to Sandringham Estate with the M.E./CFS group I joined a few months ago, Elevate. Sandringham Estate is one of the Queen's many homes around the country, and is where Prince William and Kate are living with their babies.

As with the very nature of having M.E/CFS you don;t know how you are going to be on a certain day, and it turned out that a lot of people couldn't make it but in the end 6 or 7 of us ended up turning up. We all met up between 2 and 3 at the visitors centre and sat and chatted and had something to eat before going on a very slow wander through the woods. We had decided on doing the blue trail which was a mile long, but we think that we accidentally took a short cut and missed out half the trail- which was probably a good thing with a group such as us!. 

I got home at about 6 that evening and was exhausted! I managed to eat most of my dinner that mum had made but by 8.30 I was upstairs lying down in bed, unable to keep sat up and downstairs any longer. I only laid down for about an hour and felt so much better because of it. Until now, I haven't gone to lie down in bed to rest during the day as I was always told that that kind of behaviour was bad, especially for someone with mental health problems and could lead to staying in bed all day etc. But I am amazed at how quickly I felt a little better just by lying down flat. I had a documentary programme on my tablet playing, but wasn't watching it- I also suffer from tinnitus so I cannot stand silence- it's just so much louder! I've decided to try this out and do more activity, like do a 20 minute walk and then following that go lie down in bed for 20 minutes and compare to how I am normally after that kind of activity. I'm hoping that this will help me to do more.

Today I woke feeling not too bad, which was a nice surprise. I had a wierd headache that wasn't a headache and spent most of today wearing one of those migraine cold gel stripes and was very stiff and achey in my joints- especially my knees. Last night when I went to bed I had very cold, achey bones in my left leg that felt like my bones were made of ice- I've had these types of pains on and off since I was a teenager. Then I was told that they were just growing pains- I'm 26 now and since developing CFS I've got them more and more and much worse- I don't think that they are growing pains mr Doctor. I can normally ignore it during the day but at night when you are trying to sleep its a burning pain that is all you can focus on, luckily it appears paracetamol is enough to take the edge off to fall asleep! The worst thing today has been the trouble I've been having changing levels, like getting up from sitting down. This has taken a lot of preparation and time to do so, but once I'm up I'm normally not too bad, slow and stiff but able to make it to the bathroom, or to the kitchen or even up the stairs and back to my room with a little help of the walls to keep my balance. 

Hopefully this next week goes well as well. I'm hoping to get the letter from Hellesdon Hospital about the telephone assessment I did two weeks ago and a letter about my enrolment at UK Learning Colleges about my Forensic Psychology diploma I enrolled in after finishing what is hopefully my last course in my Open University History degree. :) 

feeling lonely, like a stranger.

Things haven't been great in my life for a number of years now. I have had anxiety issues since I was 14 and been in and out of therapy for those issues for a while. But it was really during my first year at Uni (where I went to study Psychology and Criminology) where things really came to a head and I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I eventually dropped out a month into my second year and moved home because I just couldn't cope any more at uni.

My OCD got worse quickly, and soon I was unable to eat, drink or use the bathroom at home without great anxiety, panic attacks and tears. I spent most of my time this first year asleep or in bed reading as I saw no reason to get up because there was nothing for me to do and nothing that I could do. I eventually got diagnosed with Emetophobia as well as OCD, this is a phobia of vomiting. I know, I know, no one likes getting sick but this is more extreme. I avoid many situations in case I catch something, or someone there gets sick, It severely limits my life.

I've now been home, sometimes housebound through anxiety, for 6 years now. In and out of therapy as the NHS deems me worthy of another bout of therapy. I'm currently trying to get into a residential unit in Kent for my emetophobia and OCD, but people around me aren't positive that this will happen due to the funding issues. A week ago I had an assessment for an NHS psychiatrist, to see if they will help get me into this place or at least get some proper help- as I am currently seeing a private psychologist but I can only afford to see her once every two months or so which isn't as good as I want. Things are going very slowly.

Things have gotten worse as in the last year or so I have been feeling very unwell. I had numerous blood tests, trips to the hospital, MRI scans and X-rays and they found nothing apart from elevated inflammation markers in my blood. And so my doctor believes it is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I have not had an official diagnosis but that what he says it is. I now have to plan any activities I want to do- even making a meal or taking a shower or changing my bedsheets. My already very limited life is now even more limited. Whereas a year ago I would walk the ten minutes into town just to get a sandwich and my prescription I can not do that at all now, I'm afraid I'll get there and not be able to get home again. I have to take a walking stick with me when I do go out because of the shakeyness and dizziness I get when I walk. I'm stuck between getting more to help me get out and about and the fear of admitting I am this sick.

It's not all been bad, I have a great supportive family. I had read some amazing books, watched some amazing TV and taught myself to knit. I hope to have more fun experiences though, socially. I recently joined a local group for people with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/M.E. and while I have only been to two sessions I am enjoying myself there and enjoying meeting some new people.

Here's to new experiences,
xx